i went home: to beit immanuel. i used to call my sleepingplace home. the place where my — what is? my bag? my macbook? my brush? i m pretty fast in this case. may be too fast. but what is home? mine is not a real place. so it could be anyplace. a bit frightening i guess. but its like this. and i like it like this. during my days in jerusalem my little niese heard that. i was speaking to my sister on the phone telling about my day in town. her daughter was sitting next to her. i went home. lila responded without one second. maybe even faster than her mother realized! but mone, you are speaking bullshit: your home is here! funny, no? like that story. it makes me fascinated about my niece too.
but back to my first tel aviv nightlifetour: i went home. read your first message: did you leave? yes i did. but i ll come back. on this way back i got the first cigaret. asking for cigarets is not very pleased where i come from. germans needs to pay their things. or better: don t like to pay for others. most of them. no — unfortunately it s not the germans. it s me. my little way of thinking. my swabian genes: diligent, humble but thrifty. this cigaret was nice. i waited in front of the – what was ist? – the location. unable to come in. maybe thats why i left: i felt uncomfortable. don t know the exact reason. i felt just uncomfortable. couldn t enjoy myself. and as you asked this guy next to you for a cigaret – which was really nice from you! likewise a bit —- sorry – silly in my eyes, because you never know if the person is smoking ergo have cigarets when you don t see it – so when you ask him he looked at me: laughing. in a very special – not nice – kind of way. makes me feel uncomfortable. and i think that was the point. you made me feel uncomfortable. because you tried to help me. THAT s why i left – shame on me!
so i waited outside. and meet tal. he shared his wheat with me and we had a little nice conversation about zombi-people, reggae, israel, germany —- berlin – and playing bass. was nice. he offered me another cigaret – which i asked for – and his water. he gave me his address and offered me some sex. sorry? quickly he find another girl to speak with so i sat alone: waiting. and went back the second time. finally enjoying myself on may way back. sat on a bench. sitting about only 2 minutes maybe even one shai moreno from italy came on his take-away-electric-bike and started a conversation in hebrew switched immediately to a fluently english when he realized she didn t understand one word. crazy shit! you are all speaking so good english! shai told me the story of his sister in berlin/ germany. and another story and another one. can t remember the sister s story and the second one. the third was a joke translated from italian. can t remember details but it was so good. nice story plus nice told. shai was nice. like a real italian. he invited me to come back gave me his number and toke my promise to write him. then – siiip – he drove of with his fancy electric horse. and i went home to receive your second message. i don t understand why you left… yes you re right — neither me at this particular moment at the stairs of beit immanuel. but thank you for asking. i m fascinated. like about my niece. the third time outside the location i meet elisa from the ivory cost. he collected german phases cause he ll visit – guess where – yes you re right: berlin. next month. i told him some and he wrote like he heard in his phone. that was funny. dangerous tal was still speaking with his girl shai probably still riding and me waiting quite a time sitting in front of the door: outside. but you didn t appeared. a car drove by like in the nightlife in stuttgart, people were smoking like in the nightlife in stuttgart. heard the music and counted the people leaving the location. don t know how long i was sitting but felt like in a movie. directed by woodi allen or even better: jim jarmusch. love it! i m a visual person. more than acoustic. all these people came so fast and went even quicker. dchiu-dchiu-dchiu… like episodes of a film. fast cuted. part of. i experienced myself i felt life and got more than i could imagine before. GREAT! except —- you. you never know what happens!
have you seen the visual show during the jamsession on the wall beside? it was like the story of the evening in advance. specially produced and shown for me. i love this moments. it s my way of experience the world. I love it. i LOVE it. LOVE IT. it keeps me awake. makes me enjoy myself. it s my way of thinking. feeling meets thinking. it s the way god s showing up in my life. my way of meeting god.
when i arrived home at the end of the night you wrote didn t understand your coming back. i m already home. yes. i already knew. saw it hours before at the wall. remember the end?
that s it. could write some more – which i did in the few sentences above. because in the last hours i was fighting with crazy helmut. wishing to leave. now the storm is over: once again you saved my life. have one more week with him. didn t know what to do. now THIS problem is solved! all up and well again. at the moment my life is – without the awful past – awestruck present. still: unknown future, leaving israel and being alone in cold germany. without real joy in my beloved job – point of view: status quo – cause no possibility to do it my way, critical dad and no money. these are my fucking last days in lovely israel. jeje! hope it will get better soon. – got better: i m in again —- standing at the edge! face the wind tugging my hairs out. thank god!